A Day in the Life of Gus Malzhan

5:07 a.m.

Auburn offensive coordinator Gus Malzhan wakes up without the benefit of an alarm clock. He doesn’t need one, because the offensive machine that is his brain has a self-timer and turns on automatically.

Why not wake up at 5:00 or 5:15? Because waking up at 5:07 is not what people expect. Malzhan likes to keep them guessing. Tomorrow, he might wake up at 5:12.

His eyes open, he reaches for one of the four pens lined up on his nightstand. On a yellow legal pad, he sketches out the visions that came to him during his sleep. One involves the center turned sideways and snapping the ball directly to a wide receiver.

He once had an alarm clock, but one morning lined it up as a toaster. It was so successful at that position it now resides in his kitchen, where it is currently leading all appliances in charred-bread production.

5:45 – 7 a.m.

Malzhan eats breakfast.

His alarm clock has the toast prepared. Malzhan has a three-minute egg—trimmed down to a 1:11—and a bowl of instant oatmeal. He is working on something faster than instant because the oatmeal’s pace annoys him, but he hasn’t yet figured out how to rip the time-space continuum and have it cooked before it is opened.

After breakfast, Malzhan retrieves the paper from the front porch. It’s always sitting perfectly on his door mat. When he first moved to the neighborhood, he had to retrieve the paper from the bushes a few times, but he took the paperboy aside and showed him an overhand throwing technique that allows him to make both the short and long throws with accuracy.

He also took a look at the paperboy’s route and re-ordered a couple of stops. What used to take the paperboy two hours to complete now takes an hour and 16 minutes. Malzhan is convinced he can still trim that by four minutes.

He never reads the sports section, because it only tells him what has happened. Malzhan is more interested in what will happen.

He works the Soduku puzzle. In pen. Instead of whole numbers, Malzhan uses values like 4.25 and 3.333 to make it more interesting. He finishes in four minutes and nine seconds. The numbers all add up.

He works the crossword puzzle. In pen. He forgoes English and uses words from a variety of different languages to complete the grid. He finishes in six minutes and 34 seconds. The words all connect. Reading them sequentially, he has written a short story warning about the travails of inefficiency. And a haiku.

Malzhan doesn’t read the comics. He doesn’t have time to laugh.

Besides, he noticed something about Lucy’s hold that could help Charlie Brown connect with the football. He’s also got some advice on the number of steps Brown takes before attempting the kick.

If he cut those down, he’s sure Brown could score on the play. But Charles Schultz is dead and won’t take his calls, so he can’t get it corrected. This annoys Malzhan.

Malzhan spends The remainder of the morning sorting out his impressive visor collection.

7:04 a.m.

Malzhan departs for work. Today it’s 7:04. Tomorrow? You’ll have to wait and see.

Yesterday, Malzhan turned left out of his driveway. Today, he turns right.

Yesterday, he drove a unicycle to work because he could dodge between cars and get there faster.

Today, he’s on foot. Carrying a canoe. Malzhan cuts across the field across from his abode, drops the canoe in a stream, floats under the highway and steers it to the creek bank. He carries the canoe up a hill and then slides down the grass to the parking lot. He parks the canoe in his space and heads into his office.

His boss, Gene Chizik, left for work at 6:45 and had less distance to cover than Malzhan. When Chizik arrives after fighting morning traffic, Malzhan’s canoe is already parked. For all Chizik knows, there will be a pair of rollerskates and a box of bottle rockets in Malzhan’s space tomorrow. He’s no longer surprised.

8:12 a.m. – 10:03 a.m.

Why 8:12? Because… yeah, the element of surprise.

Malzhan watches samurai movies and Westerns. Not because he enjoys them, but because the samurai teach him methods of attack and the Westerns give him ideas for herding. He sometimes likes to think of his offenses as cowboys on horseback herding the defenses where they want them to go.

Then branding them.

Malzhan thinks cows are dumb. Like opposing defenders. He likes to brand them. Lots of opposing defenders carry his searing, still-smoking brand.

10:04 – 12:18

For over two hours, Malzhan does nothing but sketch plays. In pen.

The first 23 minutes are devoted solely to the sideways snap to the wide receiver concept that came to him in a vision. By 10:31, the play has fourteen variations depending on personnel.

In one, the center becomes an eligible receiver. Malzhan knows this isn’t permitted by NCAA rules, but he likes thinking up things like this in case he’s ever in charge of the NCAA and can eliminate such ridiculous constraints. The NCAA annoys him.

Malzhan has his secretary draft a letter to the NCAA asking them to consider a variety of changes, including one that would allow the entire offensive line to go in motion, leaving a receiver to snap the ball.

His secretary types 432 words per minute, and he’s convinced he can have her hitting the 450 mark by December.

Malzhan checks in with offensive line coach Jeff Grimes to see if he’s ever taught a sideways snapping technique. When Grimes says no, Malzhan drops to the ground, grabs a potted plant and executes a perfect sideways snap down the hallway.

“Like that,” he says.

In the quiet of his office, Chizik hears the potted plant hit the wall and explode. He sighs, but doesn’t look up. Yesterday Malzhan destroyed a picture frame while explaining a new blocking alignment to receivers coach Curtis Luper.

The day before that, Malzhan tore off all the moulding around Chizik’s door to demonstrate a potential offensive set he’d learned from a samurai movie.

Malzhan returns to the office, takes his sketches, orders them in a notebook and puts them in a safe. His safe is large because it contains 1,697 notebooks. Each notebook contains 1,000 pages. Each page contains five offensive plays.

Later he’ll have his secretary laminate the pages. On game day. he’ll pull one page out of one book at random. Doesn’t matter which book. It’s all he needs.

Malzhan knows that if archeologists from the planet Barbaton find his notebooks a thousand years from now, they’ll be able to use the information contained in them to score against the rival Trampatodes. A lot.

12:19 – 1:14

Malzhan eats breakfast again. Sort of.

Yes, it’s supposed to be lunch time, but Malzhan likes to keep people guessing. He orders two pancakes smothered in onion gravy. He’s ordered the same thing for three straight days. When he comes back tomorrow, the waitress will think she knows what he’s going to do.

Boy will she be surprisesd.

Malzhan will order French toast with ranch dressing tomorrow. The waitress won’t know what hit her. It’s part of the plan.

1:14 – 1:18

Malzhan draws devil horns, glasses and a beard on a picture of Houston Nutt. Just for fun, he blacks out a few of Nutt’s teeth.

1:24 – 6:36

The remainder of Malzhan’s work day is occupied with practice and team meetings.

The matters discussed during this time are privileged and confidential. Were they disclosed, you’d have to be debriefed. Nobody wants you walking around without your briefs.

Besides, the totality of Malzhan’s overall scheme is too much for the average mind to handle. If you saw it, you couldn’t comprehend it. You would drive yourself insane trying to grasp it.

Does a tree that falls in the forest make noise if no one is there to hear it? Malzhan knows the answer to this question. He also knows how to make the tree lead the nation in total fallage. And foliage.

But forestry isn’t his passion. Too bad for the trees.

6:37 – on

From 6:37 on, Malzhan isn’t a football coach any more. He’s just an average dad, playing with his kids, talking to his wife and doing the normal mundane things every dad in the world does.

If every dad were an offensive genius.

He helps his wife with the dishes by first drawing out an alignment where the youngest child lines up behind his wife and takes a direct snap of the rinsed glasses so he can place them on the dishwasher rack. Dishwashing time is trimmed in half. Malzhan knows, because he times it with a stopwatch.

He reads to his children, taking care to explain that Hansel and Gretel could easily have avoided the grasp of the witch if Hansel had lined up in an offset formation and been used as a decoy. He would have drawn the witch in, and before she realized what was happening, the pair could have scored a huge snack from her gingerbread house.

Malzhan also thinks the three little pigs should have gone on the offensive, as they clearly had a numbers advantage on the wolf.

When he and his wife retire for the night, she puts her foot down.

“Offensive genius or not, Mr. Malzhan, you’re leaving the stopwatch on the counter. You are not bringing it in there,” she says with a nod of her head toward the bedroom door.

Malzhan contemplates pointing out how many more times he can score when he’s efficient, but in the end agrees.

Besides, he has a clock in his head and she can’t stop him from ticking off the mental seconds. It’s all about precision and timing.

The house, long dark, grows quiet.

As Malzhan drifts off to sleep, the wheels in his brain start to spin, conjuring up new visions, new formations, new ways to attack defenses. Tomorrow morning when he wakes at 5:12, or maybe 5:03, he’ll start a new day of sketching, scheming and planning.

Malzhan’s sleep is peaceful.

Around the country, however, ten head coaches and ten defensive coordinators who know they will soon match wits with Malzhan across the football field do not sleep nearly as soundly.

Their dreams are not so pleasant.

It seems like it’s been a long time since Auburn football was fun.

It hasn’t really, but the ache of 2008 was so strong that it feels like Auburn fans have been wandering the proverbial desert for 40 years.

New offensive coordinator Gus Malzhan is well on the road to changing that dynamic.

In his first two games with the Tigers, Malzhan has helped shred the team’s offensive record books, sent the scoreboard pinwheeling and put the Tigers at as solid a 2-0 as could have possibly been hoped for.

To say that Malzhan’s offense has so far exceeded expectations is like saying Kate Beckinsale is sort of pretty.

The evolution of that offense and the potential it brings to a Tiger team that has watched numerous seasons bog down with offensive inefficiency, adds a whole new dimension to fun at Jordan Hare Stadium.

How fun was Saturday night’s 49-24 demolition of Mississippi State?

It was mascot Aubie dancing with the band fun.

In the game’s final five minutes, fans were watching a play-by-play yardage total on the Jumbotron, urging the second team to gain a few more yards so Auburn could top 600 total on the night.

The Tigers didn’t quite get there, finishing with 589. Still, it was the second straight 500-plus yard outing for a Tiger offense that had difficulty gaining any yardage a year ago.  Through two games, the Tigers have amassed a school-record 1,145 yards.

Auburn didn’t break the 1,100 yard mark as a team until the fourth game of 2008.

Ben Tate and Onterrio McCalebb both topped the 100-yard mark for the second straight time. It’s the first time in school history two backs have gone over 100 yards in consecutive games.

Tate finished with 157 yards and didn’t play a single snap in the first quarter.  McCalebb added 115 on just 15 carries.  Both Tate and McCalebb averaged more than seven yards per attempt.

Tate finished 2008 with 664 yards, even after rushing for 117 in the season opener. The Tiger senior has racked up 272 already in 2009.

Kodi Burns ran for three touchdowns and passed for another on a well executed run fake that drew the entire Mississippi State defense in.

Auburn put up 49 points (and should have had more) against a Mississippi State team traditionally known for its defense.

Auburn scored more than 40 points only once in the last three seasons: a 55-20 win over New Mexico State in 2007.

The combined total of 86 points through two games is the best since Auburn put 63 on Ball State and followed that with 37 against Western Kentucky in 2005.

Auburn’s two-game total margin of victory, 49 points, is the widest of any two consecutive games since Auburn blasted Washington State 40-14 and then hammered Mississippi State 34-0 in 2006.

Last season’s well-chronicled 5-7 debacle aside, Auburn won a lot of games over the last few years. The Tigers posted nine wins in 2005, 11 in 2006 and nine more in 2007.

So many of those were gut wrenching, close ball games where the Tigers relied on their defense to hold the opposition at bay while the offense did just enough to win.  The record is littered with 23-17, 22-15, 17-3 type scores.

Former head coach Tommy Tuberville, despite a reputation as a riverboat gambler, grew increasingly conservative over the course of his 10-year Auburn tenure.

The 2009 edition of the Tigers under new head coach Gene Chizik seemingly has no such conservative bent.

Case in point: Mississippi State blocked a second quarter punt to take a 17-14 lead with just 4:44 remaining in the first half.

In previous seasons, the Tigers might have been content to play it safe, run out the clock and plan for the second half.

No longer. Auburn roared 80 yards in just five plays, burning a mere 1:36 off the clock to retake the lead. McCalebb covered the final 48 yards on a charge around left end.

When the defense held Mississippi State to one first down on its ensuing possession, the Auburn coaching staff judiciously used its timeouts to preserve the clock.

Auburn got the ball back at its own 22 with just 1:29 remaining.

Sit on the ball and protect the lead? No thanks.

Todd hit Darvin Adams for 21 yards on a third and eight.

After a five-yard bullrush by Tate, Todd and Adams connected again for 28 yards.  A 20-yard Todd to Adams completion moved the ball to the Bulldog one with 21 seconds still remaining.

Burns plunged in from there for one of his three touchdowns on the night.

Instead of taking a 17-14 deficit and a basket of questions to the halftime locker room, the Tigers posted two scores in the final 4:44 and carried a truckload of confidence to the break.

The Bulldogs were never a factor after that.

Yes, it’s only Louisiana Tech and Mississippi State.  Tech may struggle this season as evidenced by the 32-7 thrashing administered by Navy on Saturday.

MSU may not win a single conference game and most observers peg the Bulldogs as the league’s worst team.

But the Auburn of the last five years didn’t beat the Louisiana Techs and Mississippi States as thoroughly as this Auburn team did.  Those Auburn teams won more than their share of games.

It’s too early to begin building the Gene Chizik pedestal. It’s not time to start minting the Gene Chizik coins.  Unless you live in Iowa, where that was already done, that is.

It is time to recognize that if nothing else, Chizik and his staff have found a way to make football at Auburn fun again.

Now it’s time to see if they can make the Tigers relevant.  The road to relevance starts with 2-0 West Virginia on Saturday.

A year ago Auburn and Mississippi State waged one of the ugliest football games in the history of the college sport.

Auburn prevailed 3-2 on the strength of a 35-yard Wes Byrum field goal in the second quarter.

It was Chris Todd’s first full game as the starter after sharing duties with Kodi Burns, and Todd was serviceable, hitting 15 of 26 passes for 154 yards.

Ben Tate topped the century mark, rushing for 102 yards.

But the Tigers couldn’t score. While Byrum hit the second quarter field goal, he also missed an 18-yard attempt and flubbed a 38-yarder.

Auburn was a miserable three of 16 on third down conversions. Only two drives consisted of eight plays; nine covered five or fewer.

The Tigers’ last two offensive possessions ended in fumbles.

It was a hideous display. Everything about Auburn’s offensive effort looked out of sync.

The only consolation was that for all Auburn’s offensive woes, the Tiger defense was devastatingly effective.

Mississippi State did not convert a single third down the entire game. The Bulldogs’ most effective possession covered 22 yards in five plays and ended in a punt.

MSU punted an astounding 10 times.

When the Bulldogs recovered a Todd fumble at the Tiger 32, the defense denied the scoring threat. MSU penetrated only as far as the Tiger 21 and then failed to convert a field goal opportunity.

That’s one primary reason why Auburn will beat Mississippi State on Saturday.

The Tiger defense has traditionally handled whatever Mississippi State has thrown at it.   Since 2001, the Bulldogs have scored a grand total of 76 points against the Tigers.  MSU managed a mere 22 over the last four years.  In the last nine meetings, MSU is 2-7 against the Tigers.

The Tiger defense should be able to control the offensive schemes of new Bulldog head coach Dan Mullen, who will learn that life in the SEC is a little tougher when you don’t have Tim Tebow running the show.

MSU Coach Dan Mullen

Mullen’s Bulldogs will still be extremely dangerous, particularly with Chris Relf calling the shots.

After MSU’s mediocre first half in the season opener under starter Tyson Lee, Relf came on and led the Bulldogs to scores on five of six second half possessions.

The 6′3″, 230-lb. redshirt sophomore may have wrangled the starting job away from Lee, who opened against Jackson State on Saturday but left in the second quarter and did not return to action.

The Bulldogs looked quicker and more polished against Jackson State than they did all last season, but Jackson State isn’t exactly SEC caliber.

In a head-to-head matchup, the edge goes to the Auburn defense.

Auburn’s front four should control the line of scrimmage, and that will take pressure off the greener secondary.

The question for the Tigers is whether Auburn’s emerging offensive firepower can overcome the Bulldog defense.

To paraphrase the president, “yes, they can.”

Take away the last two stunted seasons, where Auburn would have had difficulty putting points on the board against a team of junior high cheerleaders, and Auburn averages close to 30 points per game since 2001.

Over the last four years, while State cobbled together just 22 (19 of that coming in a 19-14 win in 2007), Auburn posted 79 points.

Auburn’s offense under new coordinator Gus Malzahn showed signs of evolving last week against Louisiana Tech. The Tigers played with much greater confidence and poise.

The infusion of speed in the person of SEC freshman Onterio McCalebb adds a new dimension to the Tiger backfield.

Byrum seems to have rectified the yips that plagued his sophomore season and kicked the ball with greater authority.

Mississippi State’s defense won’t hold Auburn to three points again, and that  bodes well for the Tigers.

Mississippi State will likely be better on offense under Mullen, but the down side for the Bulldogs is that Auburn should be significantly improved under Malzhan.

Auburn is probably two touchdowns a game better on offense than they were at this point last season.

With the Tiger defense holding State in check, that boosted confidence and production will be more than enough.

Even if that supposition turns out not to be true, the tale told in Saturday intangibles points to the Bulldogs’ demise.

When Mississippi State took the field against Jackson State on Saturday, the team performed a choreographed dance routine that included more moves than a Lady Gaga video.

The pre-game dance ended with players jumping in unison and barking. One word came to mind as the spectacle unfolded: undisciplined.

The Bulldogs were just that.

Mississippi State committed a dozen penalties that cost them 152 yards. The Bulldogs put the ball on the ground four times, losing two. Bulldog kicker Sean Brauchle missed two very makeable field goals, one from 38 yards and another from 37.

Those are the kinds of things that will get you killed in the SEC.

Auburn faced a tougher opponent than Mississippi State did in week one and showed greater poise in completing its assignments.

At home, under the lights, that gives the Tigers more than enough of an advantage.

The Tigers should pull away down the stretch and give Gene Chizik his first SEC win and a realistic shot at opening his Auburn tenure 4-0.

To the casual observer, there was very little difference between Auburn’s 2008 season opener and the 2009 debut.

In both season openers, the Tigers subdued an inferior opponent from the state of Louisiana with a strong second half showing.  In 2008, Auburn clubbed Louisiana Monroe 34-0. Last Saturday night, the Tigers devoured Louisiana Tech 37-13.

In both games, Auburn scored in low double figures in the first half. Against the Louisiana Monroe Warhawks, Auburn posted 17 first half points. The Tigers managed 13 against the Bulldogs of Louisiana Tech last week.

In both cases Auburn put up impressive offensive totals. Auburn racked up 406 yards against the Warhawks and piled on 556 against the Bulldogs.

Auburn Offensive Coordinator Gus Malzahn

Both offenses were paced by a punishing rushing attack. Auburn chewed up 321 yards on the ground against Louisiana Monroe while churning for 301 against Louisiana Tech.

Ben Tate topped the 100-yard mark against both the Warhawks and Bulldogs, gaining 115 yards in 2008 and 117 last Saturday.

That’s where the similarities ended.

Despite last year’s score and the grind-it-out ground game that provided the final margin, even the most ardent Auburn fan had reservations about the ability of the offense to execute. Regardless of the final score, it was readily apparent that Tony Franklin’s offensive system was rife with flaws. It was a disaster in the making.

Auburn didn’t score an offensive touchdown against Louisiana Monroe until the third quarter. First half scores came on a punt return and a fumble recovery.  Four of Auburn’s  first half drives in 2008 consisted of four or fewer plays. Only one seven possessions gained more than 24 yards.

Compare that to Saturday’s first half against Louisiana Tech: Five first half possessions, only one of which covered fewer than 26 yards.  There were no three-and-out possessions. Two possessions gained more than 60 yards each covered 10-plus plays and both resulted in points.

Franklin refused to name a starter in 2008 and eventually flip-flopped between Chris Todd and Kodi Burns in last year’s opener, a situation which did neither potential signal caller any favors. Both were ineffective.

New Auburn offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn turned the reins over to Todd and the results were obvious.

A year ago, Todd was a woeful 9 of 18 for 70 yards. He threw one interception and one TD pass.

On Saturday, Todd was 17 of 26.  He didn’t throw a pick. He threw two touchdown passes. One to Terrell Zachery covered 93 yards and was the longest in school history. An 87-yard strike from Jason Campbell to Silas Daniels in 2004 was the previous longest. It came against Louisiana Tech in a 52-7 Tiger win.

Todd’s rehabilitated shoulder allowed him to make throws that proved problematic a season ago, but the greater improvement came in him not having to look over his shoulder and worry about making a mistake.

When a quarterback understands that a single errant throw is not going to bring out the hook, it allows him to settle into the game.  There’s no question Todd’s confidence grew over the course of the win. He was a better quarterback at the end of the game than he was at the opening kick.

His best throw of the night wasn’t the 93-yarder, but a 17 yard touch pass in the fourth to Darvin Adams that gave Auburn a 30-13 lead and sealed the win.  The third-and-sixteen lob showed his confidence as well as confirmed the positive results of his shoulder rehab. It was a throw that Todd likely would not have been able to execute a year ago.

The coaching staff did not neglect Burns. The former starting quarterback was given ample opportunity to shine in his new role as a situational receiver and ball carrier in the ballyhooed Wildcat formation.

Burns came through, converting several critical possessions with elusive runs and scoring the Tigers’ first touchdown.

In addition to Tate’s 100-plus yard rushing night, freshman Onterio McCalebb broke the 100-yard plateau, gaining 148 yards.  He is only the second freshman in Auburn history to gain more than 100 yards in a season opener.

The last to do so? Bo Jackson, who rolled up 123 against Wake Forest in 1982.

McCalebb’s quickness is an excellent contrast to Tate’s more direct, bruising style and gives Auburn a potent offensive weapon.

Auburn also seemed to have added spark from the receiving corps, a weak spot for the Tigers in 2008. While heralded freshman DeAngelo Benton was shut out, Todd did spread the wealth among Mario Fannin, Adams, Zachery and Tate.

Auburn also exhibited a willingness to take calculated risks that harkened back to former coach Tommy Tuberville’s early riverboat gambler persona.

Auburn took possession at its own 39 with just 23 seconds remaining in the first half. Tech had just kicked a field goal to tie the game at 10-all.  Instead of standing pat, Auburn attacked.  McCalebb rumbled for nine yards on first down. Todd rifled a pass for 20 yards across the middle to Fannin on second down. On the last play of the half, Wes Byrum nailed a 49-yard field goal.

Instead of a 10-10 tie and questions, Auburn carried a 13-10 lead and momentum to the locker room.

The series was perfectly executed and showed moxy on the part of the coaching staff.

At the conclusion of the 2008 season opener, the general feeling was one of unease and concern. The win over Louisiana Monroe was so loaded with warning signs and red flags that only the most oblivious could have missed them.

There is no such unease after Saturday’s debut.  New head coach Gene Chizik and his staff put together a solid game plan that maximized the team’s strengths, allowed its quarterback to grow into his role, and provided a solid win that sets the tone.

All wasn’t sunshine and roses, however.  The Tigers had a handful of defensive breakdowns, particularly in costly penalties that must be avoided as the season progresses. A series of facemask penalties extended a Louisiana Tech drive and helped lead to its only touchdown of the night.

Two fumbles also prevented potential scoring opportunities. One, a Tate fumble inside the Bulldog ten in the first half almost certainly took points off the board. The second, on Auburn’s first drive of the third, gave momentum to Louisiana Tech and had the Bulldogs knocking at the door.

Freshman Darren Bates quelled that threat with an interception at the Tiger two yard line. Two plays later Todd hit Zachery on an out-and-up and Auburn was in control.

That’s the difference a year makes.

A year ago, the fumble would likely have eroded Auburn’s confidence and led to a mental breakdown.

This year, in this game at least, a moment of adversity didn’t become a tsunami.